Wednesday, December 31, 2014

2014 Year End Review

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Employee Name: _2014 A.D._______   Job Title: _Year – Gregorian Calendar__

Date of Hire: _Jan 1, 2014____ Department: _Department of Works__ 

Supervisor: _21st Century_____

Annual Review Ninety Day Review: Review Period: From _Jan 1 2014 – Dec 31 2014____


Purpose: The purpose of conducting the Performance Appraisal is to: Develop better communication between the employee and the supervisor; Improve the quality of work; Increase productivity; and Promote employee development. 

Performance Rating Categories: Consider the employee’s performance in each category and designate the level of performance that most accurately describes his/her job performance.

O – Outstanding. 
Employee consistently exceeds position expectations with virtually no detected preventable/controllable errors, requiring little or no supervision.

M – Meets Expectation. 
Competent & dependable performance level.  Meets the performance standards and objectives of the job without constant follow-up / direction

E – Exceeds Expectation. 
Results clearly exceed position requirements on a regular basis. Performance is of high quality and is achieved on a consistent basis

I - Improvement Needed. 
Employee does not meet performance objectives on a regular basis and has difficulty following through with tasks. Requires constant follow-up and / or supervision.


I. General Factors

1. Quality – The extent to which an employee’s work is completed thoroughly and correctly following established process & procedures. Required paperwork is thorough and neat.

Outstanding Exceeds Expectations Meets Expectations Improvement Needed

Comments: _Despite a strong start with consistent messaging on Same Sex Marriage, by mid-year it was clear that, 2014 was unusually sloppy. How many names does a terrorist army in the desert actually need? The handling or Ebola was especially sloppy: who had it? How many people had it? Why did the headline about the ‘Ebola Nurse’ asking us not to call her the ‘Ebola Nurse’ contain the term ‘Ebola Nurse’ as her identifier?? Also: Is Barack Obama taking a lot of vacations or not? Please decide (and while we’re at it, is he making more or fewer Executive Orders than his predecessors?). None of this was clear. And what about that late-breaking UVA Rape thing? All over everywhere—but no idea what was going on? Sloppy (and don’t tell me “A RollingStone Gathers No Evidence.” Give me solutions—not problems.). Finally: SERIAL?? Who the F*ck Did it? Needs improvement._____

2. Productivity / Independence / ReliabilityThe extent to which an employee produces a significant volume of work efficiently in a specified period of time. Ability to work independently with little or no direction / follow-up to complete tasks / job assignment.

Outstanding Exceeds Expectations Meets Expectations Improvement Needed

Comments: _The 2014 elections were mostly completed on time with only one state lagging. While a huge improvement over 2000 (but remember what happened to that guy) 2014 tried to do too much stuff with too little follow through. Dropping the Syria-Civil War story-line in favor of a Crimean invasion was the kind of please-the-viewers ratings-boost that works short-term but leaves the critics angry. .___

3. Job KnowledgeThe extent to which an employee possesses and demonstrates an understanding of the work instructions, processes, equipment and materials required to perform the job. Employee possesses the practical and technical knowledge required of the job.

Outstanding Exceeds Expectations Meets Expectations Improvement Needed

Comments: _All the days and months were appropriately ordered (although Trash Day is Thursday and having both New Years and Christmas on Trash Day has created some … issues). At least there were no embarrassing “Leap Year” mistakes (because the year “ends in a 4”) or misremembering the solstices or anything. Twenty-Fourteen managed to get through Daylight Savings Time and didn’t have to Memory-Edit back in a week of Spring Break due to over-indulgence like [ REDACTED ] did.___

4. Interpersonal Relationships– The extent to which an employee is willing and demonstrates the ability to cooperate, work and communicate with coworkers, supervisors, and subordinates and/or outside contacts. Employee accepts and responds to change in a positive manner. Accepts job assignments and additional duties willingly, takes responsibility for own performance and job assignments.

Outstanding Exceeds Expectations Meets Expectations Improvement Needed

Comments: _When asked to take on the additional work of [ REDACTED ] to handle the Eric Garner story-line, 2014 simply photocopied the Michael Brown plot leaving viewers confused, disoriented, and angry. [ REDACTED ] was needed to work on the 2015 Snowden-Putin Love-Triangle Reveal and was assured by 2014 that the on-going project would be in good hands. When asked about it later, 2014 threw a cup of hot coffee in [ REDACTED’S ] face and used a number of misogynists slurs (including “six-winged harpy”—we do NOT need trouble with top-management). This is, needless to say, unacceptable behavior. Twenty-Fourteen also refused to work with [ REDACTED-2 ] on the North Korea script sessions resulting in a plot hole where the FBI announces it was North Korea but a “cyber-intelligence” company called ‘Norse’ (these names are too close and confusing for casual viewers—see ISIS, ISIL, IS, etc.) determines it was an “inside job.” If 2014 had worked more closely with the script-team, this nonsensical story line could have been fixed and we could have avoided “The Interview” altogether (and considering that we had a potential green-light for a Jodorowsky Dune remake in that slot, YOU try explaining that to the crowd at Comic Con …)___

5. Attendance – The extent to which an employee is punctual, observes prescribed work breaks/meal periods and has an acceptable overall attendance record. Employee’s willingness to work overtime as required.

Outstanding Exceeds Expectations Meets Expectations Improvement Needed

No. Unexcused Absences: _0_____    No. Unexcused Tardies:_14____

Comments:_While never absent, 2014 was often late citing traffic, late nights helping ‘Planet Pluto’ with ‘rejection issues’ and ‘hung-over from partying with Nixon’s Ghost.’ Only ‘Celestial Alignment,’ Mayan Post-Pocalypse, and [ REDACTED ] are allowed according to manual. Twenty-Fourteen has also brought planetoid Pluto to the office several times to fax resumes using company equipment and resources. Twenty-Fourteen’s lax attitude for timing may have been responsible for some of the Veteran’s Administrations’ delays in treatment and NFL’s slowness on domestic violence responses.___

6. Initiative / Creativity – The extent to which an employee seeks out new assignments, proposes improved work methods, suggests ideas to eliminate waste, finds new and better ways of doing things.

Outstanding Exceeds Expectations Meets Expectations Improvement Needed

Comments:_Once again, 2014 is “phoning it in” with the “let’s do a 2010 wave election thing” and then having nothing better than “Let’s do Romney again” (and, when that was rejected, relentlessly pushing “Bush vs. Clinton” for the “hipster-nostalgic crowd.” Because they “Keep going to those Transformer movies.”) Twenty-Fourteen has also reused air-line disaster plot-lines over and over without any concern of what that does to our advertising partnerships. Also, while inventive, the creation / insertion of Gruber for the Healthcare narrative was considered by many critics to be unbelievable.___

7. Adherence To Policy – The extent to which the employee follows company policies, procedures, and work conduct rules. Complies with and follows all safety rules and regulations, wears required safety equipment.

Outstanding Exceeds Expectations Meets Expectations Improvement Needed

Comments:_Twenty-Fourteen is well known in the breakroom for flouting safety regulations and mocking procedure. This includes putting ketchup in the hand-sanitizer dispensers, releasing bogus ‘company memos’ for “underwear on the outside day,” and trying to organize a company-wide “Bring-your-Jungian-Shadow-to-work day” which resulted in the loss of thousands of IRS emails and created—and then erased from human-memory an anomaly code-named ‘Bowe Bergdahl’ as some kind of complex legal-scandal making the release of a political prisoner from the Taliban an impeachable offense (we’re still cleaning that one up—but we’re on schedule for memetic removal and he should be completely gone within two or three cycles).___

8. Lead – The extent to which the the employee demonstrates proper judgment and decision-making skills when directing others. Directs work flow in assigned areas effectively to meet production / area goals.

Outstanding Exceeds Expectations Meets Expectations Improvement Needed

Comments:_Absolute catastrophe. The #HasJustineLandedYet debacle was cooked up by 2014 when in the previous position of Outrage Sheppard (2013), gave his subordinate hours direction to “fuck someone up for almost nothing” and then retired to the rooftop with a bottle of Jim Beam. He has not learned his lesson, directing his subordinate months to “build something that’ll humiliate humanity” and then preceding to play in a 48 hour Call of Duty Zombies tournament from his desk. The result, of course was #GamerGate. Due to an ‘accounting error’ (which this reviewer thinks is linked to black-mail material culled from ‘The Fappening’’) accounting has given 2014 an unusually large bonus pool which has been distributed to everyone in 2014’s department who “voted for medical marijuana and provided a cell phone pic of their so-marked ballot.” Is this even legal??

Overall Performance
Outstanding Exceeds Expectations Meets Expectations Improvement Needed

II. Employee Completes Following Section

1. Accomplishments:_I made a movie about LEGOS and you all fucking loved it. Try that, assholes. Also: YOU’RE WELCOME FOR THE CUBANOS, AMERICANS. Give me this job again and I’d bring back fucking Krugerrands. I’d like to seen 2015 try that. Also, I finally GOT Bill Cosby. Sorry for making the whole damn 201th Century look bad guys … really am. You think Bin Laden was hard? Try going after Bill. Just try it, you pussies. I triple-dog-dare you.__

2. Training Requested:_The course on gender-sensitivity seems like a good place to pickup girls, AMIRITE? I also want all that anti-fraud training: Gotta up my game. Also: I _PWND_ at Call of Duties Zombies. Reviewer is just sore I teabagged him.___

3. Employee Rating:_I rate myself OUT-FUCKING-STANDING. __

4. Employee Response:_I read all this nonsense and you can get some other loser to do this job next year. I’m hittin’ the road with PLANET Pluto and Brontosaurus and we’re going to see Elvis in concert with Warren Zevon. You, reviewer, will NEVER be that cool. Suck it.__

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