Tuesday, September 1, 2015

The Strength of the GOP Field

Vladimir Putin Is Strong
The Omnivore kept hearing about how the 2016 field was strong--deep--especially compared to the Democrats who had Hillary--then Biden--then nothing. The Omnivore will admit there was something to this. The 2016 field included (includes):
  • Six former or present governors--many successful.
  • Two pretty well regarded senators (at least by Republican voters)
  • Two very well respected and intelligent "outsiders."
  • A slate of young, charismatic rising-stars.
This isn't even including Santorum (who won Iowa last cycle) or late entries like Kaisch. This was supposed to be the election that stood in contravention to the 'clown-car' of last cycle (remember 'Crazy-Eyes' Bachmann leading the pack?? Or how about Donald Trump--"Birther-In-Chief"? That was Cray).

Let's view some recent headlines:
Though this election cycle was supposed to feature the most impressive field of Republican presidential candidates in decades, a handful of the party’s major donors and bundlers remain underwhelmed by their options. They are longing for the bad old days, and Mitt Romney is still their man. These holdouts continue to hope that the former Massachusetts governor, who said in January he would not run for a third time, will change his mind. They believe he could dispel the chaos that has reigned over the Republican field for months. Though they gave plenty of money to Romney’s presidential campaigns, this year they’re keeping their wallets shut, waiting for him to reenter the fray.
Well, what about it, Mitt?

The Omnivore has no idea what Romney will do--but it's worth taking a look at the slate of GOP candidates and asking, using an objective True Science(TM) method to determine: Is Our Candidate Strong? Let's check!

Potential Strength
Current Polling
Are They Strong?
Well? Strong??
Jeb Bush
Successful Florida (crucial swing-state) governor. Great Latino support (speaks Espanol!). Politics in blood!
Scott Walker
Fights--and WINS! Totally pisses off liberals just by breathing. Regular guy with cheap shirts!
Marco Rubio
Young! Latio!! Charismatic!!! Won statewide election in crucial swing-state!!!!
Ted Cruz
Tea Party Hero. Has his own coloring book. Called Boehner a liar. Boehner called Cruz a jackass. Comic-hero is Rorschach. Shut down government with his own two hands
Rick Perry
Successful governor of Texas! Tea Party AND Mainstream appeal!! New glasses make him look smert!!! Back for battle with full gaffe recovery
Carly Fiorina
A WOMAN! Successful CEO!! OF HEWLETT PACKARD!!! RAN FOR ELECTION (lost). DEMON SHEEP!!! SMART. Polished!! Female! A gal!
We’ll Never Know Now, Will We?
Ben Carson
Black Brilliant Brain-Surgeon. Really Religious! Soft-Spoken. Charismatic.
Rand Paul
Dad was kinda popular. Man of principle. Gave 14 hour speech about doomsday drones. Petulant.
Chris Christie
Popular Blue-State governor! Charismatic!! Lost weight!!! Outsized personality!!!
Bobby Jindal
Popular governor. Smart!! Some kind of immigrant (?). Seems pretty religious. Funny--likable!!! SKINNY!
Did not manage to get through the tiny sliver of space on Trump's right. Nice try, though.
Mike Huckabee
Strong 2008 contender! Former governor. Won some states in 2008. Lost weight. Likable guy.
Nooooot Lookin’ Like It
Donald Trump
Rich. Really Rich. Really, really, totally rich. Not a ‘cuckservative!’ Good body-language. Steely glare.
YES. Oh, God, Holy Fuck, YES!!

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