Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Who Are These Guys!?

Back, as they say, in the day I played a lot of, ahem, Dungeons and Dragons. In D&D there were books of monsters and each monster had a bunch of numbers explaining how tough it was and what kind of treasure it had and so on. This was known as the monster's "Statistics" or "Stats." As we're down to four candidates in the race, I give you: Their Stats!
Rick Santorum gives a thumbs up before speaking during a primary night watch party on Feb. 7 in St. Charles, Mo. | AP Photo Name: Santorum
Battle Standard: *
Special Armor: Sweater Vest
Arch Enemy: Google
Class: 14th Level Hobbit Cleric
Special Attack: Come From Behind 4d8
Hogwarts House: Head Prefect Hufflepuff
Retinue: 2d8 Closeted GOP Boosters
Treasure: 25 copper pieces. Length of string.
Vulnerable To: Women. 21st Century. Dan Savage.

Name: Gingrich
Battle Standard: Mt. Vesuvius
Special Attack: Light Self On Fire And Charge 3d12
Arch Enemy: Romney
Class: 12th level Orc Assassin
Hogwarts House: Quiddich Leader House Slytherin
Retinue: 1D100 Zombie Horde
Treasure: 72 gold doubloons, used Ring of Second Chances, Who-ville's Christmas presents
Vulnerable To: Women. Ex-Wives. Lying During Debates.

Name: Romney
Battle Standard: Charging RINO
Special Attack: Buy-Out for 3d6, 30% chance of critical. Rifle 3d6 vs. 'Small Varmints'
Arch Enemy: The Tea Party
Class: 3rd Level Fighter
Hogwarts House: Muggle
Special Defense: Robotic Body. Armor Class 32
Retinue: Michelle Bachmann's Debate Coach
Treasure Type: 300 Million Platinum, 32MM Gems/Jewels, Offshore account.
Vulnerable To: Occupy Wall Street, Villagers with Pitchforks

Battle Standard: The Gold Standard
Special Power: Invisibility to Media
Arch Enemy: The Patriot Act
Class: 13 Level Grand Wizard
Hogwarts House: Quiddich Keeper House Ravenclaw
Special Defense: Pass As Normal During Debates
Retinue: 1d8 stoners, 1d4 white-power enforcers.
Treasure Type: 200 gold bars under bed, 1x Baggie of Stoning, The Precious
Vulnerable To: Takes Triple Damage from Newsletters

Name: Obama
Battle Standard: Predator Drone Blowing Up Nobel Peace Prize
Special Power: Shape Shift: appear to be what voter most desires!
Arch Enemy: Sarah Palin
Class: Either 11th level Wizard or 21st level Illusionist depending on who you ask
Hogwarts House: Claims to be Griffindor Seeker but has not released records
Special Defense: It Was Bush's Fault (vs. Liberals only) AC 50
Retinue: Frankenstein Monster built of Zombie Alan Greenspan with the double heads of Ben Bernanke and Tim Geithner attached to one arm. Also: Hillary Clinton
Treasure Type: 15 Gold coins, Spiderman #1 Mint Condition
Vulnerable To: Red Sun

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