Who Are These Guys!?

Back, as they say, in the day I played a lot of, ahem, Dungeons and Dragons. In D&D there were books of monsters and each monster had a bunch of numbers explaining how tough it was and what kind of treasure it had and so on. This was known as the monster's "Statistics" or "Stats." As we're down to four candidates in the race, I give you: Their Stats!

	Name: Santorum Battle Standard: * Special Armor: Sweater Vest Arch Enemy: Google Class: 14th Level Hobbit Cleric Special Attack: Come From Behind 4d8 Hogwarts House: Head Prefect Hufflepuff Retinue: 2d8 Closeted GOP Boosters Treasure: 25 copper pieces. Length of string. Vulnerable To: Women. 21st Century. Dan Savage.
	Name: Gingrich Battle Standard: Mt. Vesuvius Special Attack: Light Self On Fire And Charge 3d12 Arch Enemy: Romney Class: 12th level Orc Assassin Hogwarts House: Quiddich Leader House Slytherin Retinue: 1D100 Zombie Horde Treasure: 72 gold doubloons, used Ring of Second Chances, Who-ville's Christmas presents Vulnerable To: Women. Ex-Wives. Lying During Debates.
	Name: Romney Battle Standard: Charging RINO Special Attack: Buy-Out for 3d6, 30% chance of critical. Rifle 3d6 vs. 'Small Varmints' Arch Enemy: The Tea Party Class: 3rd Level Fighter Hogwarts House: Muggle Special Defense: Robotic Body. Armor Class 32 Retinue: Michelle Bachmann's Debate Coach Treasure Type: 300 Million Platinum, 32MM Gems/Jewels, Offshore account. Vulnerable To: Occupy Wall Street, Villagers with Pitchforks
	Name: RONPAUL Battle Standard: The Gold Standard Special Power: Invisibility to Media Arch Enemy: The Patriot Act Class: 13 Level Grand Wizard Hogwarts House: Quiddich Keeper House Ravenclaw Special Defense: Pass As Normal During Debates Retinue: 1d8 stoners, 1d4 white-power enforcers. Treasure Type: 200 gold bars under bed, 1x Baggie of Stoning, The Precious Vulnerable To: Takes Triple Damage from Newsletters
	Name: Obama Battle Standard: Predator Drone Blowing Up Nobel Peace Prize Special Power: Shape Shift: appear to be what voter most desires! Arch Enemy: Sarah Palin Class: Either 11th level Wizard or 21st level Illusionist depending on who you ask Hogwarts House: Claims to be Griffindor Seeker but has not released records Special Defense: It Was Bush's Fault (vs. Liberals only) AC 50 Retinue: Frankenstein Monster built of Zombie Alan Greenspan with the double heads of Ben Bernanke and Tim Geithner attached to one arm. Also: Hillary Clinton Treasure Type: 15 Gold coins, Spiderman #1 Mint Condition Vulnerable To: Red Sun